In a press conference this morning in Burbank, California, investigative reporter Byron Graves displayed video of a gigantic star ship under construction in an undisclosed location south of Baja, California.
The star ship, named “Uhuru,” an African-Tanzanian word for ‘freedom,’ is to be occupied by a list of entertainment luminary/astronauts including Robert De Niro, Tom Arnold, Michael Moore, Cher, George Clooney, Lena Dunham, Jane Fonda, Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin, Ron Howard, Stephen King, Eva Longoria, Bette Midler, Alyssa Milano, Rose O’Donnell, Rob Reiner, Barbara Streisand, and Taylor Swift.
“As we are all vegetarians, there is no need for animals ‘two by two’ as in the biblical myth,” said Lena Dunham,
the program’s chief astronaut, who has a designer Bill Blass space suit to support her super-plus sized figure, “but we will have a food court stocked with progressive-certified dietary selections such as Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and GMO free pizza. For entertainment on the voyage, upon leaving Earth orbit, we will watch each other perform in a beautiful amphitheater located just off the bridge and then give each other awards.”
Dunham continued, “In every presidential election since 2000, caring, loving, open-minded, and woke celebrities promise to move to Canada* should a Republican win. Sadly, they never actually leave. It is just an expression to inform our Twitter followers how upset we are that we live in a country with voters who disagree with us. There is too much need here in America to instruct Americans in flyover country how to behave as civilized people. But if that orange-complected, small-handed tyrant occupying the White House wins, every child of color will be rounded up and caged, men and women will be denied free full term abortions, and ordinary people will be able to defend themselves from MS-13 sparks of divinity with assault weapons filled with automatic clips. But this is not just a matter of personal survival … this is the last, best hope for personkind in the universe.”
“Because of the Orange Man illegally and immorally occupying the White House, leaving the geographical borders of the USA is simply not good enough. The entire solar system is corrupted with him and his racist, homophobic, transphobic, anti-LBGTQQ+, misogynistic, white supremacist, violence and hate-filled supporters. We may have to leave Earth to found our progressive utopia in a star system in the furthest region of the Milky Way galaxy, hopefully shared with humble, loving, tolerant, super-intelligent, and beautiful creatures such as ourselves.”
*They never promise to move to Mexico
