By Haidi of the Hereafter Chronicle
Reporting live from the Pearly Gates, Cloud Nine
The line outside Heaven was moving smoothly until a well-meaning progressive activist—clutching a reusable tote bag and humming the NPR theme song—stepped forward. St. Peter looked up from his scroll, adjusted his halo, and sighed.
“Name?”
“Skylar. They/Them.”
A pause. St. Peter blinked. “All right, Skylar. Quick orientation: up here, truth is non-negotiable, logic isn’t hate speech, and we don’t fact-check God.”
Then he began the Entrance Interview.
❓
St. Peter’s Questions (And Skylar’s Reactions)
“Did you support a political movement that—intentionally or by willful ignorance—championed abortion as a moral good?”
“Well, I mean, choice is—”
Peter held up a hand. “That’s a yes.”
“Did you vote for leaders who enabled open borders, knowing it led to child trafficking, fentanyl, and innocent people being raped and murdered?”
“We were being compassionate!”
“To the cartels?” Peter asked. “Odd outreach strategy.”
“Did you mock, harass, impeach, and falsely accuse a man God may have allowed for a purpose—twice?”
“Trump was literally Hitler.”
“Yes,” Peter said dryly. “Because nothing says ‘fascist’ like lower gas prices and global peace.”
“Did you catch a case of TDS?”
“What’s that?”
“Trump Derangement Syndrome. A refusal to acknowledge reality because orange man hurt your feelings. It’s listed under Self-Righteous Delusion, section 12B.”
“Did you bully someone for their skin tone while preaching tolerance?”
“No! I just said whiteness was a disease.”
Peter wrote “yes” and moved on.
“Did you celebrate school officials pushing irreversible sex changes on children without parental consent?”
“That’s affirming their identity!”
“And rejecting your own biology is affirming what, exactly?” Peter asked. “Cosmic improv?”
“Did you obey your government’s lies about a ‘pandemic’ while churches closed, grandmas died alone, and political rallies got rebranded as ‘essential?’”
Skylar looked uneasy. “Science evolved.”
“Truth doesn’t,” said Peter.
“Did you support ballot harvesting, drop box stuffing, and algorithmic democracy?”
“Our side was just better organized.”
Peter noted: Thinks sin is logistics-dependent.
“Did you proudly advocate for the very evils St. Paul warned about in Romans 1?”
“Well, I’m not really into Paul. He was kind of judgmental.”
Coming Next Week:
St. Peter Interviews a Fact-Checker: “So… about that Truth thing…”
Would you like this turned into a graphic or a continuation where Skylar meets St. Paul?
