In a solemn, candle-lighted ceremony broadcast on social media tonite, hundreds of distraught entertainment celebrities gathered together to offer ‘pre-suicide expressions of sympathy and comfort’ to each other before advancing to the podium, one by one, at the front of the black draped stage. There, they entered their names into the ‘Book of Sacrifice’ using Mount Blanc fountain pens, donated* by former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The nibs were dipped into a warm vial of authentic human blood, ‘ink’ donated from the veins of indigenous actors of color.
Bon Jovi , ruce Springsteen, and Taylor Swift teemed up to provide melodramatic background music to accentuate the heartbreaking sadness all attendees felt.
Said “An Evening With The Book of Sacrifice” Master of Ceremonies Robert De Nero, “Here and now we pledge to sacrifice our lives to the very funeral pyre of history, our karma, our life’s work before and behind the camera, our unique beauty and talent, yes, all these gifts to humanity that was our lives.”
“For who can live in a universe that would have voters stupid enough to make Trump president? Twice?” muttered Lena Dunham as she vacantly gazed into the naked underbelly of her own personal hell. “It makes my skin crawl when i think about how my very flesh is a part of the same space time fabric that could spawn an evil so wicked as Drumpf and have him win the presidency over such saints as Hillary and Joe? Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I must cease to exist on this plane of existence.”
Legacy actor Rob Reiner (of “Meathead” fame) stroked his white neck beard subconsciously as he stared into the black abyss of a future of four more years of gun-grabbing, Bible-clinging, ignorant, flyover deplorable policies. “Moving my citizenship to France, where i have a nice chalet just outside Paris, while tempting, is just not in the cards anymore. I can’t morally justify breathing from the same atmospheric pool of nitrogen and oxygen as dictator Trump and his clodhopper supporters. It is simply too antithetical to the principles of democracy, love, and openness that I think we all here believe in.
Reiner said, “The moment that Orange Man Bad-Small Handed-racist-homophobic-transphobic-misogynistic-stupid-mass murdering-Nazi-Marxist-Fascist-climate terrorist-mass murdering-white supremecist-sociopath-child molester Trump is sworn in, that’s when we all take our collective, final ride off into the sunset. The vehicle chosen for that final ride is fentanyl
lovingly provided by our Chinese friends and bravely imported though our DNC-Cartel connections from Mexico “
Reiner continued, “Perhaps if enough of us offer the greatest sacrifice humanity could ever know, the gift of our talent, future generations will not have to live under the dark and hopeless specter of a Trumpian world.”
