WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facing record-low approval ratings, the Democratic National Committee held a press conference today to clarify that, contrary to rumors, the party is “not dead,” but rather transitioning into an “existentially fluid post-truth afterlife.”
“Death is such an outdated, binary concept,” explained Marcy Pelton, the DNC’s newly appointed Director of Narrative Continuity. “We prefer to say we’ve entered a higher metaphysical phase of governance. We’re not collapsing—we’re simply pausing reality for rebranding purposes.”
Party leaders insist this is part of a bold new strategy. “We’ve elevated beyond the old, dusty expectations of results,” said a smiling communications consultant while sipping fair-trade kombucha. “We are the Schrödinger’s cat of politics—both alive and dead, depending entirely on polling averages and TikTok trends.”
When asked about the party’s current lack of enthusiasm, one strategist brushed off the criticism. “We’re not in decline, we’re spiritually outsourcing our energy to a higher dimension of equity. It’s like yoga, but with talking points.”
Another spokesperson chimed in: “We reject all labels. We’re not ‘dead’—we’re narrative-positive. We identify as an evolving story arc of progressive transcendence. If you can’t grasp that, you’re trapped in linear thinking.”
To prove the party’s “continued vitality,” the DNC announced plans to host a séance at their next convention. “We’ll be consulting with the ghost of FDR for strategic insights,” said Pelton. “If you hear knocking on the podium, that’s just him signing off on our talking points.”
“We’re not gone,” she added with a serene smile. “We’re simply haunting the electorate—with love, guidance, and mandatory recycling programs.”
