WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party is popping champagne this week after proudly announcing that the number of people victimized by its policies has officially surpassed the number of people still willing to vote for them.
From citizens murdered by illegal immigrants to families shattered by Chinese fentanyl shipments, and from neighborhoods pillaged by Venezuelan prison gangs, MS-13, to the millions of unborn babies claimed by abortion, the Party’s victim tally has surged past every record.
“This is proof our policies are working exactly as intended,” said a grinning DNC spokesperson. “We may be losing voters, but we’re making victims at a historic pace. And victims, unlike voters, never switch parties.”
Economists added that the collapsed economy under Biden, skyrocketing government waste stealing from taxpayers, and endless funding for the Ukraine war, nearly every American will soon qualify as a certified Democrat victims!
Meanwhile, in crime-ridden cities, Defund the Police and No Bail laws are churning out new casualties daily. “It’s the only job program Democrats ever created that actually delivers,” one victim muttered while filing his seventh police report of the week.
Insiders say the party is already preparing its 2026 campaign slogan:
“Democrats 2026: If You’re Not a Victim Yet, You Will Be Soon.”
