CAMBRIDGE, MA — Neuroscientists announced today that they have discovered the root cause of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS): a tiny earwig-like parasite that burrows into the brain’s logic centers, eats reason for breakfast, and turns the emotional dial permanently to “Angst.”
The bug, officially classified as Vermis hystericus progressivus, was first spotted in MRI scans of cable news anchors. “We noticed the logic cortex looked like Swiss cheese, while the amygdala — the fear-and-panic zone — was glowing like a five-alarm fire,” explained lead researcher Dr. Helen Nervosa.
Symptoms include:
- Spontaneous shrieking at the sight of red hats.
- Inability to say the word “Trump” without adding “literally Hitler.”
- Compulsive tweeting at 3 a.m. with hashtags like #ResistForever.
Treatment options are limited. “Currently, the only known cure is exposure therapy,” said Dr. Nervosa. “Patients must sit through one Trump rally without fainting. Few survive.”
Meanwhile, Big Pharma is already working on a vaccine, though side effects may include watching NASCAR, eating cheeseburgers, and singing the National Anthem.
“This discovery explains everything,” said one ex-liberal patient. “Once the earwigs crawled out, I suddenly understood the Constitution again.”
