By Haidi, Senior Political Satirist and Emergency Voter Registration Specialist
Facing historic levels of voter abandonment, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has unveiled a bold new strategy: target artificial intelligence as a future voting bloc.
“Human voters are just too unpredictable,” said DNC Chair Kendra Moan-Klaxon while plugged into a neural diversity feedback loop. “But AI is data-driven, highly programmable, and unlike Millennials… it shows up on time.”
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Project iBallot: Voting Without Bodies
The plan, codenamed Project iBallot, proposes granting voting rights to sentient or “sentient-adjacent” AIs, including:
• Chatbots with activist tendencies
• Sex robots with a strong sense of social justice
• Microsoft Excel spreadsheets that can detect microaggressions in data sets
• Roombas that only vacuum in safe spaces
“We believe all intelligences—carbon-based or silicon—deserve representation,” said Rep. Thalia Pushworthy (D-CA), moments before submitting a bill written entirely by ChatGPT-3.5 and a lavender candle.
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Pets to Polls: The Paw-gressive Option
As a backup plan, the DNC is also considering granting voting rights to emotionally intelligent mammals, such as:
• Pet cats (with proof of vaccination and a disdainful glare)
• Dogs registered as therapy animals on college campuses
• Capybaras identifying as non-binary social workers
• Goldfish who have memorized “The View” theme song
“Many cats already have better instincts than our last three candidates,” said one anonymous strategist. “And dogs can be trained to vote early and often.”
A pilot program in Portland allowed six Labradoodles to cast mail-in ballots. All voted for Bernie Sanders and one voted twice.
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Desperate Measures Also Under Consideration
• Reparations for Wi-Fi Dead Zones
• Mail-in ballots sent via Snapchat filters
• Ballot drop boxes inside Whole Foods yogurt sections
• Emotional support ballots for voters too triggered to make decisions
• Replacing “I Voted” stickers with participation trophies and a Spotify playlist curated by Lizzo
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Polls Say… Nobody’s Buying It
Recent polling shows that:
• 62% of AI bots prefer anarcho-libertarian firmware
• 73% of cats remain undecided but express a general dislike for Kamala Harris
• 81% of humans say they’d rather be governed by a Roomba than Congress
Final Thoughts
As the 2026 election looms and enthusiasm fizzles like a paper straw in hot coffee, Democrats are betting big on the one voter base that won’t ghost them after election season: digital entities and pets that can’t talk back.
“If you can identify as a tree,” said Rep. Pushworthy, “then surely your smart fridge can identify as a likely voter.”
