In a bold move to collapse the oppressive hierarchy between humans and their pets, the creators of The Farmer’s Dog have unveiled their latest innovation:
The Dog’s Farmer™ — a premium meal line for humans who want to eat exactly what their dogs are eating.
“We realized our pets were eating better than most freelancers in Brooklyn,” said company spokesperson Lacey Witherspoon, sipping a bone broth smoothie. “It’s time we bridged the nutritional gap between man and beast.”
🐶👨🍳 Gourmet from the Kennel to the Kitchen
The Dog’s Farmer™ offers dishes like:
- Chicken Paw-vet: Free-range chicken thighs, gently steamed with lentils and a whisper of kelp
- Beef & Bone Reduction: Grass-fed beef, sweet potatoes, and “nourishing marrow essence”
- Turkey & Quinoa Gratin: A bowl so rustic it feels like a 19th-century prairie dog would serve it with pride
Each comes pre-portioned in compostable pouches adorned with inspirational quotes like “Every day is leg day.”
🥄 Human-Grade… Technically
When asked if the meals are suitable for people, the company clarified:
“They’re not just human-grade. They’re emotionally-grade. You’ll cry by the third bite.”
Beta testers describe the meals as “warm,” “fuzzy,” and “slightly chewy, but in a primal way.” One tester claimed it “tasted like loyalty.”
📦 Subscription Tiers Include:
| Tier | Description |
|---|---|
| TailMate™ | A matching meal plan for you and your dog |
| AlphaBites™ | Higher-protein meals with motivational quotes like “Who’s a good capitalist?” |
| RawTherapy™ | Just thawed meat and shame, served cold |
All plans come with a friendship bracelet made of braided duck jerky.
🐾 Early Adopters Rave
Brooklyn resident Skylar Plant-based posted:
“I’ve never felt closer to Dandelion (my Goldendoodle). We now share meals, probiotics, and a therapist.”
Others say it’s the most emotionally connected they’ve felt since pre-COVID happy hour.
🛑 Critics Bark Back
Nutritionists call it “a cry for help.”
Conservative radio hosts warn it’s “the first step toward universal doggy healthcare.”
