July 4, 2025
In a tone usually reserved for imminent solar flares threatening global power grids, leading psychiatrists today issued a stark warning about what they call an unprecedented surge in Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) activity.
“With the signing of the BBB, we predict PEAK TDS as ‘NO (fu)KING Clue’ rallies will be attended across the nation on our nation’s birthday.
“The levels of cognitive disturbance we are recording right now are off the charts,” said Dr. Helga Flare, senior analyst at the American College of Clinical Psychiatry (ACCP), during a press conference that felt more like a NASA solar storm briefing.
“We are facing conditions that could impact Facebook posts, car horn honking, and even brunch gatherings across the nation.”
According to the ACCP’s emergency bulletin, the current TDS activity is so intense it could cause mass disruptions:
Widespread failures of civil discourse networks — leading to shouting matches over avocado toast.
Magnetic interference with reason — making people see fascism in golf scores.
Outages in logical consistency — with once-rational individuals unable to distinguish between policy differences and Armageddon.
In keeping with FEMA preparedness protocols, the National Institute for Political Sanity (NIPS) advises the public to:
Secure electronic devices from doom-scrolling surges.
Avoid exposure to high-voltage social media threads.
Dr. Flare added that while TDS activity has natural cycles, this peak is unusually severe, with potential cascading effects through news cycles and holiday dinners. “We urge calm. Stay inside, limit your media exposure, and wait for conditions to stabilize. Remember: this too shall pass.”
