In a dazzling display of creativity only possible after decades in Washington, top Democrat Party strategists have announced an innovative plan to squeeze just a little more cash, now that USAID and ACTBLUE have been revealed to be the means by which the American taxpayer and communist Chinese funded their party : illegal aliens — now, as their undocumented criminal voting base exit their ‘Sanctimonious Cities.”.
“We’ve always believed in income stream diversity,” said one party consultant between sips of an $18 soy latte. “We made $$$billions working with the CIA and the Sinoloa Cartels importing children prostitutes, cheap labor to take American jobs, and killing hundreds of thousands of Americans with communist Chinese fentanyl! And now, thanks to the border finally moving the other direction, we’re excited to diversify our income streams.”
The Plan:
Sinaloa Kickback Program
For a small facilitation fee, Democrats will personally ensure safe passage of departing migrants straight to the cartel partners who helped them get here. “We’re calling it Catch and Re-Release — into profit!”
Fentanyl Frequent Flyer Miles
Each kilo smuggled out earns points redeemable for Hunter Biden paintings, Gavin Newsom hair gel, or Kamala Harris word salad transcripts.
Child Labor Relocation Services
The party promises to help “unaccompanied minors” find jobs overseas: factory floor, brothels as in Blue Machine states and cities, cocoa plantations, or, for the gifted, a CNN internship.
Carbon Offset Certificates
Every smuggling operation includes a complimentary carbon credit. “We’re not just moving people — we’re saving the planet while we do it,” noted John Kerry’s assistant, while idling in a private jet.
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TDS Celebrity Reactions
Rob Reiner: “This is what democracy looks like! Also, I think I just saw Putin hiding at the border.”
Bette Midler: “Finally! A humane solution to climate change and Trump’s evil at the same time. Brava!”
Mark Ruffalo: “If we can smuggle love out of America in the form of these migrants, maybe they can bring down MAGA fascism abroad.”
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Merchandise Coming Soon!
• “I Funded the Caravan (And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt)”
• Pelosi-branded tequila: “Smooth at first, catastrophic in the morning.”
• A Pelosi-Schumer bobblehead smuggler trucker hat.
