By Haidi Buzzkill-McSnark, Senior Correspondent for Deep State Geriatric Watch
In a remarkable synchronized medical emergency, key figures of the Swamp appeared in front of cameras this week in matching wheelchairs, neck braces, and thick stacks of freshly notarized “incompetency” declarations.
Suddenly Incapacitated:
• Bill Clinton, wearing sunglasses and a neck brace held together with dental floss, stated:
“I can’t recall where I am, who I am, or what a subpoena is.”
He was later spotted waving flirtatiously at the CNN camera.
• Hillary Clinton, gripping her walker with a Delete key taped to the handle, said:
“At this point, what difference does my memory make?”
• Dr. Anthony Fauci, in a double-masked motorized scooter, claimed a mysterious cognitive fog from “too many televised contradictions.”
“It’s not that I won’t testify, I just don’t know which me said what.”
• James Clapper and John Brennan, both covered in formaldehyde and draped in Deep State Emeritus robes, recited pre-written statements:
“We are far too mentally incapacitated to discuss… classified perjury.”
• Nancy Pelosi, flanked by interns holding her upright with bungee cords, said:
“I’ve forgotten more about insider trading than you’ll ever know.”
• Adam Schiff, looking like a stunned lemur in a neck halo, added:
“My lawyers say I’m suffering from acute irony exposure.”
Strategic Amnesia Diagnosed as “Political Dementia Flu”
Doctors cited a rare but highly contagious illness: Sudden-Onset Accountability Avoidance Syndrome (SOAAS™).
“Symptoms include:
• memory loss
• inability to raise right hand under oath
• compulsive shredding
• tendency to scream ‘threat to democracy!’ when confronted with facts”
New Legal Doctrine: “Cognitive Immunity”
Legal experts say the coordinated claims of incompetency are not only convenient—they may become a new norm for government retirees.
“The moment accountability arrives, they all become confused grandpas lost at a Crate & Barrel,” noted one commentator. “But strangely lucid when signing book deals.”
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Meanwhile… Across the Street…
Trump is set to be indicted for:
• Existing
Cameras are already in place. MSNBC interns are weeping with joy. Joy Reid has booked a 72-hour monologue slot.
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Final Thoughts
In a moment best described as Weekend at Biden’s, the ruling class has declared themselves mentally unfit just in time to dodge any consequence for years of alleged corruption, cover-ups, and the orchestration of kangaroo courts.
“It’s not obstruction of justice if you don’t remember doing it,” said one legal analyst while sipping Ensure.
Coming Next Week:
Obama claims executive privilege over things he hasn’t even done yet, citing “preemptive racism.”
