PORTLAND, OR — Declaring that “no sacrifice is too extreme if it finally makes the bad man go away,” a growing number of Americans diagnosed with Long-Form Trump Derangement Syndrome (LF-TDS) announced this week that they are prepared to sell their souls to Satan—or any available dark entity with decent customer service—if it will permanently rid the nation of Donald Trump.
“We tried everything else,” said one participant, clutching a candle and a laminated copy of the Constitution with certain parts crossed out. “Protests. Therapy. Screaming into pillows. Podcasts. Group crying. At this point? Eternal torment in a lake of fire sounds… manageable.”
‘NO SACRIFICE IS TOO MUCH’
According to organizers, the movement—calling itself Souls for Democracy—began as a Tik Tok support group before evolving into a “serious metaphysical intervention.”
Members reportedly debated the pros and cons of damnation during a three-hour Zoom call titled Emergency Measures: Beyond Voting.
“Nine hundred degrees? Fine,” said another attendee. “We already live in a constant state of moral emergency. What’s a few more flames?”
Others noted that hell at least offers closure.
“Hell has rules,” one man explained.
THE AWKWARD QUESTION: DO THEY HAVE SOULS?
The only unresolved issue, organizers admit, is whether participants actually possess souls to sell.
“This is a concern,” said the group’s unofficial theologian. “Some of us outsourced our moral reasoning to social media years ago. The paperwork is… unclear.”
Still, enthusiasm remains high.
“If we don’t have souls,” one woman shrugged, “then we lose nothing. If we do, great—take it. Anything is better than another election cycle.”
WHY HELL BEATS REALITY
Participants stressed that eternal torment offers several advantages over continued Orange Man Bad:
One draft chant reportedly tested well in focus groups:
“Ashes to ashes, polls to polls—take the soul, just take his role.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Mental-health professionals observing the phenomenon described it as “a predictable escalation.”
“When a belief system cannot survive contact with reality,” one clinician noted, “it often seeks supernatural solutions.”
FINAL WORD
As midnight candles burned low, the group issued a closing statement:
“If suffering forever in 900-degree flames is the price of finally feeling okay again… so be it.
No sacrifice is too much.”
At press time, Satan had not returned calls—but sources say negotiations are ongoing.
