WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a groundbreaking move signaling bold new strategies, Democratic Party leaders announced today that their members will be holding white flags during the next State of the Union address.
“It’s time we sent a clear, unmistakable message to America,” said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “And that message is: We surrender—please like us again.”
Party strategists say internal polling has shown Democratic voter support plunging faster than the Titanic’s approval ratings after hitting the iceberg. In response, Democrats have pivoted to what they describe as a “refreshingly honest strategy.”
“Instead of pretending we know what we’re doing, we figured we’d just wave white flags,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, enthusiastically demonstrating the technique. “Look at how gracefully they flutter. Voters will love this authenticity.”
Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi, visibly moved, applauded the idea. “Nothing says ‘new ideas’ quite like unconditional surrender. It’s progressive and regressive at the same time—our sweet spot.”
Republicans, meanwhile, appeared puzzled by the new tactic. “We actually prefer it when they fight us,” remarked Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “This surrender business is just confusing. We might accidentally get something done.”
Not to be outdone, Democratic leaders hinted at further displays of contrition, including wearing “Sorry about that” t-shirts at campaign rallies and launching an official apology tour.
At press time, President Biden was reportedly practicing waving his white flag, assuring staff he’d perfected a “folksy surrender wave” guaranteed to win hearts and minds.
