Washington, D.C. — In a high-level emergency summit hosted at an undisclosed vineyard with $1,200 cheese boards, Democrat globalist plutocrats have convened to confront the growing threat posed by an outdated and dangerous system: the Constitutional Republic.
“We must save democracy by overriding the system it was founded on,” declared Sen. Marlowe Puffington III (D–NY), adjusting his climate-neutral silk cravat. “If we let states, checks and balances, or individual rights get in the way of central planning, then the billionaires funding our climate forums will have wasted millions.”
The newly formed task force — Democrats for Democracy Against the Republic (DDAR) — released its priorities:
• Abolish the Electoral College (aka peasant veto system)
• Replace the Senate with a rotating panel of TikTok influencers
• Reinterpret the Constitution via emotional group consensus on Twitter
“We’ve evolved past dusty old documents written by farmers with powdered wigs,” said Rep. Ayanna Fauxlor (D–Venmo), livestreaming from a French chateau during “Defend Democracy Month.” “We now have blue-checked activists who understand justice through curated outrage.”
Opposition groups voiced concern, reminding Americans that a constitutional republic limits government to protect individual liberty.
In response, DDAR issued a bold retort:
“Liberty is problematic. People might use it incorrectly.”
Soros PACs, Silicon Valley donor rings, and at least three Hollywood reboots have pledged to support the anti-republic initiative with matching donations and synchronized tweets.
