BREAKING: Democratic Protesters Glue Themselves to Moving Teslas to Protest Elon Musk Exposing Taxpayer Fraud
“Democracy Dies in Efficiency,” activist says while skidding down freeway on hood of Model Y
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — March 31, 2025
Chaos erupted outside a Bay Area Tesla dealership Monday as a group of Democratic activists launched a protest against Elon Musk’s “reckless war on taxpayer-funded fraud,” gluing themselves to various Teslas — some of which were in motion.
“We refuse to let this billionaire dismantle the sacred institutions of bloated spending and untraceable grants,” said protest leader Braeley Monarch (xe/xem), moments before being peeled off the roof of a moving Tesla Model Y with a hairdryer and three gallons of almond butter.
The protest was organized by the group Democracy Defenders for Duplicity (DDD), which issued a statement condemning Musk’s public push to audit government contracts, subsidies, and grants that “don’t have clear outcomes, objectives, or even recipients.”
“He’s trying to replace our carefully curated system of opaque bureaucracies with — what? Accountability? Efficiency?” fumed DDD’s spokesperson, Jarvus McQuaid, speaking through a bullhorn duct-taped to a solar-powered vape. “Without fraud, there is no freedom. Waste is the scaffolding of democracy!”
One protester glued herself to the inside of a Tesla’s charging port, resulting in a brief power outage and two hospitalizations after she attempted to “ground herself in solidarity.”
Another demonstrator clung to the self-driving sensor, demanding Musk admit that exposing $37 billion in misallocated federal EV funds was “an act of domestic terrorism against public sector pensions.”
Dem Leaders Stay Quiet, Then Clarify: “Fraud Is a Feature, Not a Bug”
While the White House remained silent on the protest, Rep. Harmony P. Wilde (D-NY) later told MSNBC, “Frankly, democracy doesn’t work unless some of us are skimming off the top. It’s called redistributive flexibility. The American people vote for vibes, not math.”
Wilde also accused Musk of “trying to Elon-ligate the alphabet” by removing government waste, adding: “The G in LGBTQIA+ stands for Grants.”
Tesla responded via a tweet:
“Please stop gluing yourselves to moving cars. That’s a terrible plan, even for performance art.”
The tweet was promptly ratioed by activists, who accused Musk of “ableist sarcasm” and “vehicular gaslighting.”
As for the protesters, they vowed to return next week with an even bolder action: chaining themselves to spreadsheets in the Office of Management and Budget and demanding reparations for the trauma of Excel.
