AUSTIN, TX — March 31, 2025
Panic rippled across artisanal coffee shops and yoga-adjacent parking lots this morning as Tesla owners nationwide began urgently scraping “COEXIST” bumper stickers off their vehicles, following Elon Musk’s latest exposé on rampant government fraud, abuse, and grant laundering.
“Look, we were fine with him launching rockets, making EVs, and tweeting like a Bond villain,” said former Musk enthusiast Sage Topiary (they/none), while furiously peeling off a now-tattered rainbow sticker using a sustainably-sourced bamboo spatula. “But exposing taxpayer fraud? That’s a violation of the social contract.”
The sticker, which once proudly merged religious symbols, peace signs, and a gentle threat of passive aggression, has now become “problematic” among the progressive upper-middle-class elite — particularly those who paid $92,000 for a car they charged off a coal-fired grid.
‘We Thought He Was One of Us’
“I bought a Tesla because I believed in the mission,” said Theo Blintz, sipping an oat milk cortado while his Model S idled outside. “The mission being: looking better than Prius drivers without being too libertarian. Now he’s tweeting about misallocated funds and government inefficiency? That’s borderline hate speech.”
The backlash reached a fever pitch when Musk shared a spreadsheet showing that $13 billion in climate initiative funds were “spent on consulting firms specializing in abstract nouns and TEDx panels.”
Sticker Replacements Surge
As “COEXIST” stickers hit the recycling bin en masse, alternative decals are on the rise:
• “RECONSIDER” – for those who still want to look reflective, but also a little betrayed.
• “DEFUND ELON” – printed by a San Francisco startup funded by a $4 million DEI grant.
• “I BRAKE FOR Feelings” – currently on backorder due to excessive demand.
Tesla Responds
In a tweet, Musk said simply:
“Imagine buying a Tesla because you thought Big Government was your friend.”
Activists were seen trying to glue themselves to the Tesla app icon but were thwarted by its biometric security and basic logic.
More protests are expected next week, when Musk is rumored to release a list of government departments that spent over $5 million on “strategic empathy workshops.”
