WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a somber yet triumphant press conference held between drag brunch fundraisers and climate anxiety therapy sessions, the Democratic National Committee announced today that, for the first time in history, the number of people victimized by Democrat policies has officially surpassed the number of people who still vote for them.
“This is a monumental day for us,” said DNC spokesperson Skylar DeJustice (they/them), wiping away tears of either joy or hormone therapy side effects. “It takes a very special kind of legislative commitment to hurt this many people while still claiming the moral high ground. We couldn’t have done it without the media. And TikTok.”
A recent Pew Research survey showed Congressional Democrats have just 19% approval among Americans, narrowly edging out used car salesmen and genital lice. The poll, dismissed by CNN as “Russian disinformation,” reflects what insiders are calling “a bold new chapter in performative politics and mass collateral damage.”
The Victim List (Partial, Because We Ran Out of Paper)
The DNC offered a celebratory montage of their “most marginalized achievements,” including:
- 300,000+ deaths from fentanyl, courtesy of the open border they promised wasn’t open. “Not since the Black Plague has a governing body been so unintentionally effective,” one epidemiologist whispered.
- Elective abortion on demand until birth in many states. “We’ve eliminated the carbon footprint at its source,” said one eco-activist, high-fiving a Planned Parenthood lobbyist.
- Illegal aliens murdering U.S. citizens, including several children—events Democrats have promised to “deeply reflect on after the next election cycle.”
- Free Medicare and housing for non-citizens, while American veterans sleep under bridges. “The Statue of Liberty is crying, but in Spanish now,” one observer noted.
- Mass job displacement, where American workers lose their income, only to watch it get Western Union-ed back to Guadalajara by someone with a fake ID and 4 dependents they met on the bus.
- Taxpayer abuse, not counted in the victim tally out of sheer mercy. “We’re not even talking about the $5 million grant to study transgender squirrels in Kenya. That was necessary.”
And Don’t Forget the Police…
Let’s not overlook law enforcement officers assaulted, ambushed, and demoralized as mayors and governors across Democrat-run cities chose to kneel with protesters while cities burned, then later begged for federal money when the insurance companies stopped returning calls.
DNC Vows: “We’re Just Getting Started”
Despite these numbers, the DNC remains undeterred.
“We’re fully committed to finding more victims to justify our noble-sounding goals,” said DeJustice. “Somewhere out there is a transgender undocumented vegan struggling with anxiety over plastic straws—and we will find them, subsidize them, and then weaponize their story for a campaign ad.”
The press conference ended with a round of applause from media correspondents, all of whom received commemorative tote bags labeled “Equity Through Catastrophe™.”
