WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking (and tooth-shattering) announcement, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) confirmed that “weeping and gnashing of teeth” will now be listed as a symptom of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS).
The APA noted that, while TDS already included symptoms such as screaming at the sky, compulsive MSNBC watching, and tweeting in all caps about democracy dying, the recent spike in sobbing and tooth-grinding warranted a formal update.
“It’s Getting Loud Out There”
Dr. Meredith Lee, who led the study, explained:
“We started noticing a strange sound outside our clinics—kind of like a chorus of angry raccoons chewing rocks. Turns out, it was TDS sufferers grinding their teeth every time Trump posted something on Truth Social. We knew this wasn’t just bruxism—it was political dentistry.”
The APA’s report cites the “gnashing episode” that followed Elon Musk inviting Trump to co-host an X Spaces event”
Several cities reported rolling blackouts due to the collective grinding of molars.
Mainstream Media Reaction
CNN responded with a special report:
“Experts warn the gnashing trend could lead to widespread jaw injuries if Trump’s polling continues to rise.”
Meanwhile, MSNBC launched a new wellness segment: “Jaw Yoga for Democracy.”
New Symptom Checklist for TDS
In addition to weeping and gnashing of teeth, the APA now recognizes:
• Hyperventilating when seeing Trump
• Compulsive donation to PACs named ‘No (fuk) ing Clue.’
• Uncontrollable sobbing when someone mentions egg prices
DNC Response: “This is Fine”
The Democratic National Committee issued a statement late Wednesday:
“While weeping and gnashing of teeth are concerning, we view this as a sign of deep emotional commitment to The Resistance. We encourage sufferers to take a deep breath, blame Russia, and donate $27 to the nearest climate protest.”
Public Health Advisory
Dentists across the country are preparing for a surge in cracked molars and ground-down canines. Some clinics are offering “Biden-Brand Soft Bite Guards” to protect teeth from the stress of every new Trump rally.
