WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what political insiders are calling “an avant-garde performance of self-righteous sanctimony,” a new progressive Super PAC has emerged on the scene: Carin’ Karens, proudly championing every policy that guarantees new victims while claiming moral superiority for their efforts.
Their Mission Statement
According to their website (hosted on a server powered by outrage and soy lattes), Carin’ Karens PAC exists to “liberate America from common sense and traditional values” through an innovative blend of narcissistic activism and self-congratulatory chaos.
Their top initiatives include:
- Subsidized Abortion on Demand – even for women who aren’t pregnant. “It’s about reproductive vibes, not biology,” says PAC spokeswoman Serenity Moonflower.
- Illegal Alien Criminal Gang-Managed Day Care Centers – where toddlers can “build empathy by learning cartel logistics before age 5.”
- Communist Chinese Fentanyl Distribution to Teens – which they call “equity-based relaxation therapy.”
The Victims They Create? “Collateral Compassion.”
Critics have pointed out that Carin’ Karens’ policies often hurt the very people they claim to help. But PAC director Candace “Cindy” Fairchild brushed off such concerns:
“We can’t be held responsible for the unintended consequences of our perfect virtue. If a few thousand kids get hooked on fentanyl, that’s a teaching moment about late-stage capitalism.”
More “Bold” Initiatives
Carin’ Karens has hinted at new platforms coming in 2025, including:
- “Safe Injection Recess” in elementary schools, sponsored by their “Friends of China” fund.
- “Gender Fluid Pottery Class” — because kids should mold clay while questioning their own reality.
- “Defund Homeowners” — a pilot program to forcibly redistribute backyard trampolines to “underserved yoga collectives.”
Hypocrisy? “That’s a White Supremacist Word.”
When confronted about rising crime, failing public schools, and the fentanyl epidemic, Carin’ Karens deflected, blaming “Republicans, Russia, and retrograde Mercury.”
“We’re the victims here,” said a tearful PAC volunteer while sipping a $19 oat-milk latte. “Do you know how exhausting it is to feel this much moral superiority all day?”
Their Latest Fundraiser
The PAC recently hosted a star-studded gala called “VictimCon 2025,” featuring:
- A musical number by Taylor Swift about the trauma of hearing the word “accountability.”
- A silent auction of framed social media virtue signals.
- A keynote speech by Gavin Newsom, live-streamed from a French winery, where he vowed to “abolish personal responsibility, one California disaster at a time.”
What the Karens Are Saying
“Every time someone criticizes us, an oat milk latte gets its foam. So, keep talking.” — Jade Whisper, Event Coordinator
“If our policies create chaos, that just means they’re working.” — Serenity Moonflower, PAC Spokeswoman
“We don’t want equality of opportunity, we want equality of outrage.” — Cindy Fairchild, PAC Director
