Hillary and Bill Clinton Announce Plans to Donate Everything They Own to Charity and Retreat to a Distant Monastery to Seek God’s Forgiveness For the Rest of Their Lives
(Reuters New Service Exclusive)
After nearly five decades of public service, Bill and Hillary Clinton claim to have found the light.
In a press conference held today at their Whitehaven home in a fashionable Washington DC suburb,
Hillary and Bill Clinton announced that they were spending the rest of their lives hoping to make up a little for all the crimes they committed in their public life of greed and avarice.
Said Hillary, “We used our positions of public trust to steal an estimated $1 billion from American taxpayers, communist leaders, and foreign tyrants, and stashed it away in many off shore accounts.”
Added Bill, “We are liquidating our holdings immediately and giving the ill-gotten gains to a wide variety of charities, including, Catholic Charities and the Salvation Army, to help unwed mothers, poverty, disease, and homeless wounded veterans that the Democratic Party only has paid lip service to, while feathering its own nest and political power with communist tyrants.”
He continued, “To all those that supported us over the years, we confess that we did not live up to the sainthood that you blessed us with. Let’s face it, the life of a public servant is not lucrative. The only way we and most everyone else elected to office can get rich and powerful is through graft, bribery, blackmail, and sometimes murder.”
Bill added, “The dozens and dozens of rides on Jeffrey Epstein’s Lolita Express, to Pedophile Island, and what I did there . . . I am so, so sorry.“ Tears flooded from his eyes.
Hillary, shoulders bowed with the pain of thousands of lies, a life of corruption, contrasted with the way Democrats and their voters held them in high esteem.
“No matter what we did, no matter the crime, from trying to hide Bill’s cheating with women around Arkansas, to the various Rose Law firm scandals to Bill’s trips on the Lolita Express, the Democratic Party shielded us from harm and held us out to be Saints. Yes, the Democrats, they loved us anyway because we supported the things they believe in, like abortion of healthy 9 month olds, welfare and ‘free’ transexual operations for illegal aliens, spending $50 trillion for the nonsense of human-caused global warming, and other hypocritical and sanctimonious issues harmful to traditional American values.”
For all these things, we are so, so sorry.”
Bill’s face lighted up. “God can work miracles in anyone’s lives. The Lord appeared to us in a vision last night, and showed us that if we didn’t suddenly and completely hand over our lives to Him, we would suffer eternal torment in the fiery pits of hell like all those who support the kind of things the Democratic Party thinks are good. We were quite frankly terrified. We fell down on our knees, confessed our sins to God and pledged that we would spend the rest of our lives doing what little we could to make up for it, all the people we have hurt.”
Hillary turned to face the camera directly. “I address you, the American People…We humbly beg your collective forgiveness. We have so much blood and bodies on our hands and have hurt so many people over the years that words can not express the grief we feel at the harm we have done to you and your country.”
Said Bill: “After leaving the White House we called in every card and favor we were owed, blackmailed everyone in this town. Hillary set up our Foundation fo funnel money from foreign governments and anyone who wanted government favors. We also wanted to get an important position for Chelsea, Web Hubble’s daughter, I finally must confess. Yes, we even lied about that. We ended up billionaires by using our political stature as woke liberals to convince other woke liberals to support us. We now have more money and houses than Bill Gates, fly in private jets around the world to fight global warming, and lie about everything good people like President Trump are trying to do.”
Bill hung his head in sorrow. “I must have raped 50-100 women, and a few men, at least in my lifetime. Their nameless faces haunted me…And because I was governor, and later president, the sycophants didn’t care, they offered every hypocritical excuse in the book to keep us going.”
“I did have sex with that woman, Monica. I used the prestige of my public office that should have been a humble duty just to get laid. We are also providing a map and confessions to the 89 people we had killed and suicided to protect us, the latest of which was our dear friend, Jeff Epstein.”
Bill broke down in tears. “I am so, so sorry, Monica.”
Hillary said, “We want to be Real Saints, not the kind of saints that Democrats think we are.”
“So we are going to jointly write one more book—the profits going to Catholic Charities—a tell-all of all our crimes and who benefited, from the Obamas, to various politicians, greedy businessman, and of course, what calls itself the Press. Because of that, we are handing ourselves a death sentence. So we must go into hiding to an undisclosed foreign country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with any Western government. But we pledge to dedicate our lives to actually helping people other than ourselves, and we hope that our spiritual calling will lead others in the Democratic Party, and their supporters, to understand that they must change their ways and find the Lord for the sake of their eternal souls.
Again, we are very, very sorry for everything we have done, and assure you all that we intend to live the rest of our lives in humble service to the poor and needy.”
Doc Woodworth
Ph.D Saint Louis University (Public Policy Analysis)
JD Saint Louis University (Journal Editor)
MBA Central Michigan University (Organizational Behavior)
BA Illinois College (Sociology)
