Catholic Pontiff Offers Indulgences for the Faithful Otherwise Condemned to Hell for Bearing the Original Sin of White Privilege
(Vatican News Service)
Dr. Johann Tetzel, Dominican friar and official spokesperson for Vatican City’s Sin Division offered exciting news for millions of Roman Catholic members across America and Europe today in a press conference at the Holy See.
“Thanks to Satan, for far too long our flock has been condemned to suffering in Purgatory for the original sin of being born white. We can do little to change who God has placed into this world — and nothing but offer our thoughts and prayers for the poor Caucasion non-Catholic condemned to eternal torment in Hell.”
“Fortunately, the Pontiff has the power to identify new forms of wickedness and to offer a propitiatory methods to counter the impact of said transgressions against God and Man. A Faithful Roman Catholic White person now suffers approximately 3 million years in Purgatory before his soul is cleansed of white privilege. With the purchase of these indulgences, his or her soul can bypass Purgatory completely and go straight to the Bosom of Abraham for $900 Euros or equivalent. And yes, one can purchase indulgences for all his or her loved ones, alive or already departed, so long as they are or were faithful Roman Catholics.”
Dr. Tetzel continued, “We already have a marketing campaign that will begin this Sunday morning:
‘’When a coin in the coffer doth ring; A White Supremacist from Hell can spring.”
“While it is true some of the more liberal protestant denominations such as the ELCA and Presbyterians already condemn their members for the sin of white guilt, we believe that Indulgences are the best means of keeping the faithful on the Path of Righteousness.”
Also announced: Indulgences will be offered to white males also suffering from the genetic malformation of being male, heterosexual and also lacking enough melatonin at the same time, although these are expected to be priced substantially higher.
Doc Woodworth
Ph.D Saint Louis University (Public Policy Analysis)
JD Saint Louis University (Journal Editor)
MBA Central Michigan University (Organizational Behavior)
BA Illinois College (Sociology)
