NSFW: Article depicts graphic violence similar to an actual ‘implemented choice’
Planned Parenthood, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the National Democratic Party, announced today that new medical procedures on the decapitated heads of aborted, yet still conscious, fetuses will lead to great strides in the longevity of billionaires that help fund progressive causes.
The documentary, produced by anti-capitalist multi-millionaire Michael Moore, is entitled, “Women’s Choice and Profits, Why The Hell Not Both?”
The film was funded with generous grants from NPR and the George Soros Foundation.
The procedure involves cautiously removing in vitro the complete and living head of 6-9 month old clumps of cells that invade the female body. Their mothers, most often women of color who ignored free contraception and had sex with multiple fathers destined for death row, elected to give their babies to the advancement of science.
The procedure begins when the spinal column is separated from the base of the brain using obsidian bladed scalpels, the sharpest known blades known to mankind. “The scalpel is made from natural materials,” assured Dr. Joseph K. Mengele, chief of the Triage Unit of Eugenics Enterprises.
The head is then separated from the tiny, cuddly body which, un-needed, is burnt to a crisp by highly reactive organic salts like he bathtub scene in the TV show Breaking Bad. The headless body is then shredded into manageable pieces the size and consistency of McDonalds Chicken Nuggets. These parts are then eliminated through the birth canal in a means very similar to natural child birth.
The head, though, still bearing a shrieking, gurgling face, is then carefully withdrawn from the uterus in order to preserve its functional brain activity.
It is then carefully mounted on a sharp pike, “very much like an ordinary ice pick,” said Florida Congressperson Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Chairperson of the Board of Planned Parenthood—surprisingly none of whom were aborted by their biological mother. “Abortion is a precious weapon in the war against climate change. Who knows how much carbon dioxide these helpless clumps of cells would have generated if they had been allowed to live?”
An array of sophisticated machines pump oxygenated blood into and out of the arteries and veins at the base of the neck to keep the head alive.
The disembodied head, eyes still blinking at the world that it will never really experience, is then delivered via FedEx, using only union affiliated personnel, to the Saint Margaret Sanger Memorial Eugenics Enterprises, where it is subjected to a wide variety of ecologically-aware procedures.
“We are gratified to learn that these fully self-aware though decapitated heads can lead to great advances in our understanding of human consciousness in post-traumatic situations. “We do a lot of science in the 80 hours that the head is kept alive. We gather exciting insights from new enhanced interrogation techniques to the effects of poison, irritants, and electricity on sensitive human tissue.” said Dr. Mengele.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, “I have not read the report yet, but I am sure it it is both true and a great example of how taxpayer money can be used to promote divisive politics to my party’s benefit.”
President Barrack Obama was on a golfing fundraiser in Tahiti with Hollywood moguls and could not be reached for comment. The Republican National Committee said it would try to insert language in a forthcoming appropriations bill that would force a bipartisan, blue ribbon committee to call for all emails about the matter to be redacted.
The medical procedure is strongly objected to by close-minded, anti-progress haters known to worship a 2000 year old male ‘deity.”
Doc Woodworth
Ph.D Saint Louis University (Public Policy Analysis)
JD Saint Louis University (Journal Editor)
MBA Central Michigan University (Organizational Behavior)
BA Illinois College (Sociology)
