JB Pritzker, Dem Leaders Discuss Plans to Permanently Wipe Out Illinois From Human Awareness For All Eternity
Illinois Democratic Party Officials held a a joint press conference at the James R. Thompson Center last Saturday detailing their plans to wipe Illinois from the face of the Earth.
Amiable billionaire JB Pritzker, Heir Apparent of the Illinois region of the Billionaire Socialist Party of America, listed several things he will do when the ‘hard working people of the great state of Illinois discover there is nothing they can do to stop the slow motion train wreck that is about to descend upon them.”
Comrade Rahm Israel Emanuel, leader of the Chicago branch of the Clinton Syndicate, enthusiastically signaled his agreement. “The Chicago Family stands with whatever string of epic disasters Mike Madigan can create to permanently drive ordinary people out of the state in droves, as well as benefit himself.”
Plans:
1. Temporarily Raise Income Taxes. “First we will redefine the word ‘temporarily” into “permanently” in all state-approved dictionaries used in publicly-funded schools of Approved Cultural Indoctrination. Then we can temporarily increase income taxes to levels never before experienced by mankind.” Pritzker said he was dedicated to this weighty responsibility because “If Democrats don’t keep their promise to raise income taxes, how can the voters trust us?” Emanuel added, “Increasing taxes will surely bring more revenue into the State so that we can hand out great pay and benefits packages to all party activists and public sector union members until they–and we–are the only people wandering the empty streets of Michigan Avenue.”
2. Gun Control. “We have some exciting plans to expand state-wide, the gun control program that has been so wildly successful in Chicago, said Madigan, who reminded the gathering that “Chicago has the highest rate of gun crime and murders in the country, exceeding even such Democratic Party strongholds in Baltimore and New Orleans. We are proud of that record and will see that no one in Illinois has the right to defend themselves except elected and appointed government officials, who will have more armed police to protect them. If ordinary people don’t escape the state within three months of the next election, their chances of survival will approach zero.”
3. Temporarily Increase Property taxes. “Democrats are well known as the ‘tax and spend party.’ We intend to double down on that proud reputation and temporarily increase property taxes to every so called private property in the state of Illinois. Pritzker, while not providing details, said that ‘no one who holds property in Illinois will go unscathed, and that taxes should double or triple in the course of his administration. That should permanently halt any wild idea of anyone moving to Illinois to start a business or raise a family.”
4. Infrastructure Spending. “We plan to replace every bridge, every road, every highway in Illinois with toll roads that will be under construction 24/7/365. We are going to put up those orange cones and narrow lanes everywhere a car can go until there are no cars left on the road,” said Madigan, rubbing the palms of his hands in glee. “Just think how great that will be, lots of union dues will overflow the coffers of our re-election campaigns and provide more funds to perpetuate our dynasties!”
The press conference concluded with the statement that “At the end of the day, the Illinois Socialist Party will guarantee that no one will be left in Illinois to even turn off the lights. The Democratic Party is dedicated to wiping out Illinois as if there was a black hole level vacuum of space time between Indiana, Wisconsin, Missouri. Only we Democratic Party Members will be left, and we will have it all, from the shores of Lake Michigan to the cornfields of Republican country to ourselves.”
Doc Woodworth
Ph.D Saint Louis University (Public Policy Analysis)
JD Saint Louis University (Journal Editor)
MBA Central Michigan University (Organizational Behavior)
BA Illinois College (Sociology)
